a bit of respite. :-) I could have posted sooner I suppose, but I've been so busy the last thing I want to do is post to my journal when I get home! This month has mainly been focused on dancing and moving. We moved to Waltham...I am officially 5 minutes from my work! I freaking love it!!!!!
Everybody Dance!
On July 1st I started West Coast Swing and I have class every Tuesday's...and I am adding Thursday to the mix too :-) I love the style of West coast as it is very fluid and smooth and it's perfect for me as that tends to be my dancing style. I'm also thinking of taking a private lesson once every couple of months so I can get more attention and focus on my movements as well as footwork. :-) I decided that I would like to start competing in West Coast, but in order to do so I need to make sure that I get personal feedback and critiques on my movement and steps...and it is pretty hard being a follower, especially with a poor leader! I love it...I want to get good enough to dance like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3VJxLcerxM
On July 14th I started Lindy Hop/East Coast Swing...and I have a class every Monday now! I've never taken this style of dancing before, but I found the beginner class to be too simple so I decided to step it up to the intermediate class. It is strange, at the first class I enjoyed it and was slightly torn between West Coast and Lindy...as Lindy is so much fun! However, with more West Coast experience I do love West Coast more, so after my classes are over for Lindy I will be solely focusing on West Coast :-)
On July 19th I attended the Boston Dance Challenge (West Coast lessons and competition), I went for the lessons of course :-) There is also going to be the Boston Dance Revolution event on August 8th-10th which is a great mix between West Coast and line...and then of course there is the Summer Hummer on August 22-24...ahhh...I need more money. :-p
Work
Work has been insanely busy...I currently have 8 projects I am working on 3 of them are very large... :-p That should be fun and interesting...the business requirement for one of them has been taking me almost 5 days...ugh...it has been nuts. The worst and best part is that more than half of my projects are very high profile.
All in all
Life is great, and to some extent has felt rather fulfilling, which isn't something I feel too often. I still think I can do more though! I will also be very happy when I get the kitchen all set up so we can stop eating out...I am getting so sick of take-out food.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Crazy...no schizotypal...oh wait...
It's subpersonalities. We all have them, some just exhibit them more then others...or do they? I've always wondered. If you really thought about it, are you truly the same person you are when at work, with your family, with your closest friends, with acquaintences, with strangers, or by yourself? If you were to sit there and honestly think of all the different behaviors you exhibit it is easy to perceive your multiplicity. Subpersonalities are defined as personality structures we developed to cope with situations we have found ourselves in as babies, small children and young adults. They helped us survive in our family of origin and in our culture.
I think the problem that I run into...in further research some people have said, "we modify our general outlook, changing our model of the universe with the same facility with which we change dress"...I'm not sure I go that far, do you? To go to the extent of modifying your general outlook on life or changing the model of the universe in our minds seems a bit extreme. In doing so, how do you know who you really are or what you truly believe? As awful as this will sound when I am in a large group of people I always wonder, "Is this how this person truly behaves?" It is actually one of the big reasons I do not enjoy hanging out with large groups of people, even 3 people can be too large depending on how easily individuals are swayed. I enjoy learning how the person really things and they really feel, even if they disagree with my own beliefs and thoughts. Even if people annoy me I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that outside of this group this individual could not be so annoying...of course...if a slew of idiotic comments come out of his mouth I do have to excuse myself at some point. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, you are in a group discussing nothing in particular and there always seems to be that one person who makes incredibly stupid comments or rhetorics that are not even related to the discussion and makes you wonder, "did he just seriously say that?" with a look of bafflement and disbelief (of course).
I wonder if those who are able to change their outlook and feelings on life if they truly know what their outlook and what their feelings on life truly are? I would think over time it would be confusing changing your mind so much that it would be difficult to really cement what you believe is true. Hmm...though I have many subpersonalities, I have never changed my opinions. Depending on the situation I may not voice them as adamantly as I normally would, but I do not say things just to be agreeable or things that I do not truly believe in. I'm one of those people if you ask if, "does this look bad on me?" and I think it does, I will tactifully tell you that, "yes...that looks horrible on you...how about this instead?" Subpersonalities in general is just an interesting topic.
Anyhow, completely off topic...as you have gotten older do you find it more difficult to make time for other people outside of your significant other? Interestingly enough I have come to realization on how I want to live my life. I don't want to drive 2-3 hours a day commuting to and from work. I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day...I don't want to eat dinner at 9-11PM...I want to feel like my life isn't just about work...I want to commute no more than 1 hour a day to and from work...I want to spend no more than 7.5-8 hours a day at work...I want to be able to spend at least 1-2 hours at the gym...and I want to have dinner at a normal and reasonable time. Overall, I just want to not feel rushed...I miss the West Coast at times like these...a much slower and relaxed lifestyle. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to returning until now. It isn't as though I am completely unhappy here, and I will miss the people I have grown to know and they'll always be in my mind. I love the weather here...but I really miss the calm and temperate weather of the west coast. You know where it would be really nice to live? San Diego... :-) California is too expensive though...Oooh...maybe Colorado? I've never thought of living there before, but that could be interesting...
I think the problem that I run into...in further research some people have said, "we modify our general outlook, changing our model of the universe with the same facility with which we change dress"...I'm not sure I go that far, do you? To go to the extent of modifying your general outlook on life or changing the model of the universe in our minds seems a bit extreme. In doing so, how do you know who you really are or what you truly believe? As awful as this will sound when I am in a large group of people I always wonder, "Is this how this person truly behaves?" It is actually one of the big reasons I do not enjoy hanging out with large groups of people, even 3 people can be too large depending on how easily individuals are swayed. I enjoy learning how the person really things and they really feel, even if they disagree with my own beliefs and thoughts. Even if people annoy me I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that outside of this group this individual could not be so annoying...of course...if a slew of idiotic comments come out of his mouth I do have to excuse myself at some point. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, you are in a group discussing nothing in particular and there always seems to be that one person who makes incredibly stupid comments or rhetorics that are not even related to the discussion and makes you wonder, "did he just seriously say that?" with a look of bafflement and disbelief (of course).
I wonder if those who are able to change their outlook and feelings on life if they truly know what their outlook and what their feelings on life truly are? I would think over time it would be confusing changing your mind so much that it would be difficult to really cement what you believe is true. Hmm...though I have many subpersonalities, I have never changed my opinions. Depending on the situation I may not voice them as adamantly as I normally would, but I do not say things just to be agreeable or things that I do not truly believe in. I'm one of those people if you ask if, "does this look bad on me?" and I think it does, I will tactifully tell you that, "yes...that looks horrible on you...how about this instead?" Subpersonalities in general is just an interesting topic.
Anyhow, completely off topic...as you have gotten older do you find it more difficult to make time for other people outside of your significant other? Interestingly enough I have come to realization on how I want to live my life. I don't want to drive 2-3 hours a day commuting to and from work. I don't want to work 8-10 hours a day...I don't want to eat dinner at 9-11PM...I want to feel like my life isn't just about work...I want to commute no more than 1 hour a day to and from work...I want to spend no more than 7.5-8 hours a day at work...I want to be able to spend at least 1-2 hours at the gym...and I want to have dinner at a normal and reasonable time. Overall, I just want to not feel rushed...I miss the West Coast at times like these...a much slower and relaxed lifestyle. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to returning until now. It isn't as though I am completely unhappy here, and I will miss the people I have grown to know and they'll always be in my mind. I love the weather here...but I really miss the calm and temperate weather of the west coast. You know where it would be really nice to live? San Diego... :-) California is too expensive though...Oooh...maybe Colorado? I've never thought of living there before, but that could be interesting...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Naïvety, a blessing or a curse?
Is being naïve a blessing or a curse? I suppose this might be a strange question coming from one of my age...but I can't help but wonder...and again, it may have more to do with my own inability to not criticize myself...I have always wondered how much control does on person have on their personality? Some may argue, "well, we are all different..." of course, I am not expecting it to be a cooker cutter answer. Though I wonder, do people have the ability to completely control who they are, how they react, and who they want to be? I have always felt that I could...that I had enough control of myself to not let emotions get the best of my logic. I have always been proud that I am such a logical individual that I don't overreact like some people do on most anything, this of course ties in to my ability to detach myself from people and events. Of course, there was a time when I wasn't always such...I can still remember being so happy, so carefree and trusting of everyone. I still am to some extent, definitely not like I was though.
Is this good or bad? Is it part of growing up? If it is...why? I wish I could still be carefree...happy...and somewhat in ignorance of how people can really be. Part of the reason I was "innocent" for so long was because I refused to be aware of current events, and refused to watch the news or see anything that was not pleasant. I knew it was all a part of life...but I desperately wanted to hold onto some semblance of innocence and youth. I always thought that was the best part of being young, being unaware of dangers, unaware of emotional pain, and being unaware of broken hearts...being unaware of how people have the capacity to use one another at any means...how even yourself for all your knowledge can be a pawn. Who wants to be used? Then I suppose a question arises of who isn't used and who isn't being used in some capacity? From a dark point aren't we all just resources? :-) I won't go down that road, then I think I will truly have lost touch with my optimism.
I used to be more optimistic than anyone I know...even now I tell myself that I am simply being pragmatic...I even joked with a friend once that I am an optimist-realist. Not everything is in black and white after all. Though...I think all in all...I'm just a liar. :-) I don't think it is a horrible thing, but sometimes I question if how I feel is really true or real, or is it just a fabrication of how I think I should feel...I suppose the fact that I even question it says something. It's been awhile since I've ever been truly...just completely and unconditionally...genuinely...wholesomely happy. The other times I smirk to myself and question the honesty of how I reacted. And ironically...it isn't as though I am unhappy either, it is more of feeling nothing...not feeling one way or the other. It pains me to admit to myself that I have lost a great deal of innocence I once had, but who knows...maybe I lied to myself on the innocence I once held.
I think...if the whole world could be naïve it is most definitely a blessing...but for the world we live in...it is best to outgrow it at the appropriate stage of your life...and of course the defining of appropriateness will be dictated based upon your life experiences - I know...duh.
You know...I'm glad I've been writing so much, the typing is more flowing from me now versus before where I would sit here for long periods of time trying to stop my mind from wandering back to work related processes. I hope to write almost everyday to practice. I have found my writing in the past few days to be very relaxing and I am "happy" (who knows if I really am) that writing is coming easier to me and my thoughts are not so blocked. I think when I don't write as much I have a harder time expressing my true thoughts and feelings...it is not easy to see things in writing especially if they are not things you don't truly wish to know of yourself. Thinking is one thing, but to read it...that's a lot more powerful.
Is this good or bad? Is it part of growing up? If it is...why? I wish I could still be carefree...happy...and somewhat in ignorance of how people can really be. Part of the reason I was "innocent" for so long was because I refused to be aware of current events, and refused to watch the news or see anything that was not pleasant. I knew it was all a part of life...but I desperately wanted to hold onto some semblance of innocence and youth. I always thought that was the best part of being young, being unaware of dangers, unaware of emotional pain, and being unaware of broken hearts...being unaware of how people have the capacity to use one another at any means...how even yourself for all your knowledge can be a pawn. Who wants to be used? Then I suppose a question arises of who isn't used and who isn't being used in some capacity? From a dark point aren't we all just resources? :-) I won't go down that road, then I think I will truly have lost touch with my optimism.
I used to be more optimistic than anyone I know...even now I tell myself that I am simply being pragmatic...I even joked with a friend once that I am an optimist-realist. Not everything is in black and white after all. Though...I think all in all...I'm just a liar. :-) I don't think it is a horrible thing, but sometimes I question if how I feel is really true or real, or is it just a fabrication of how I think I should feel...I suppose the fact that I even question it says something. It's been awhile since I've ever been truly...just completely and unconditionally...genuinely...wholesomely happy. The other times I smirk to myself and question the honesty of how I reacted. And ironically...it isn't as though I am unhappy either, it is more of feeling nothing...not feeling one way or the other. It pains me to admit to myself that I have lost a great deal of innocence I once had, but who knows...maybe I lied to myself on the innocence I once held.
I think...if the whole world could be naïve it is most definitely a blessing...but for the world we live in...it is best to outgrow it at the appropriate stage of your life...and of course the defining of appropriateness will be dictated based upon your life experiences - I know...duh.
*******************************
You know...I'm glad I've been writing so much, the typing is more flowing from me now versus before where I would sit here for long periods of time trying to stop my mind from wandering back to work related processes. I hope to write almost everyday to practice. I have found my writing in the past few days to be very relaxing and I am "happy" (who knows if I really am) that writing is coming easier to me and my thoughts are not so blocked. I think when I don't write as much I have a harder time expressing my true thoughts and feelings...it is not easy to see things in writing especially if they are not things you don't truly wish to know of yourself. Thinking is one thing, but to read it...that's a lot more powerful.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I want to be Pregnant...
NOT...seriously...I am way too young and way too inexperienced to have a baby...and I'm at the "ripe" age of 27. And yet...what baffles me is that in Gloucester High School a group of girls got together and decided, "let's all get pregnant so we can raise our babies together". Is there some reason they couldn't have waited until they had graduated high school, had a job, had money of some kind to support their new bundle of joy? What was the rush? Someone made the comment that perhaps these girls are seeking acceptance and unconditional love. I wonder...don't some high schools institute what it is like to have a baby by making you take care of a pretend one? I remember 5-10 years ago that a company had created a "real" baby by setting it to cry, go to the bathroom, need to be fed on a cycle. They were using them in high schools so that kids could get a feel for parenting, obviously to help dissuade the thought of becoming a parent too young. Alas...here we are, girls 16 and younger deciding it would be a good idea to have babies now, with our without the fathers. And who, pray tell, will be supplying them the funds and means of raising babies? And how are the parents oblivious to their childrens' emotions? How could someone, still a child of 16 desire something as strong as unconditional love...something they should be receiving from their parents and their family. I know it is so easy for me to wonder these things as I have no children of my own, but for the life of me I am truly baffled. When I was there age the farthest thing from my mind was having children and even further from my mind was attempting to gain acceptance.
I know I'm a joy, but believe it or not, I was truly hated in high school and most of college. People liked me well enough when I was in grade school and middle school as I was too nice and I was always attempting to be accepted, by almost any means necessary (minus anything illegal). I hung out with the most annoying kids who I know didn't really respect me or my person, but hell I was popular...I had a ridiculous amount of friends then when I entered high school I just couldn't bring myself to care. I had moved to another state and at that point all I wanted to do was maintain my 4.0 GPA and get to college and make a crap load of money so I could move out of my house. My house at the time was not fun to live in because as I grew older my mom grew slightly stricter and more annoying with my grades...yeah...I got straights A's, but that really wasn't enough for her. The thought of having babies scared the crap out of me...how would I ever take care of them? I'm pretty sure my parents would practically disown me...and to be honest in my mind, it was just downright shameful...of course on that note...I hate depending on anyone. Nope, the last thing I wanted was a baby and I could truly care less if I was accepted by any of my peers...after all...it wasn't about them, it was about me and my success in life.
I wonder reading that paragraph if perhaps I approached things from the wrong point of view...should I have cared? I certainly do not have many friends...sometimes I feel sad about that, other times I'm glad. People can be very needy when you befriend them and want to hang out all the time. I just don't have the time or patience for every time...I certainly enjoy going out with a few people a couple of times a month, other then that I am quite pleased with doing my own thing. Hmm...one of the things I really would like to do though is treat the friends I do have much better...as soon as I can regain my phone book I will be working to hang out with them as much as I can...I think I have become too self sufficient. In an effort to reinstill the human side of me that should require some closeness and less detachment I need to reach out a bit more. Truly...I can be the most detached person.
I know I'm a joy, but believe it or not, I was truly hated in high school and most of college. People liked me well enough when I was in grade school and middle school as I was too nice and I was always attempting to be accepted, by almost any means necessary (minus anything illegal). I hung out with the most annoying kids who I know didn't really respect me or my person, but hell I was popular...I had a ridiculous amount of friends then when I entered high school I just couldn't bring myself to care. I had moved to another state and at that point all I wanted to do was maintain my 4.0 GPA and get to college and make a crap load of money so I could move out of my house. My house at the time was not fun to live in because as I grew older my mom grew slightly stricter and more annoying with my grades...yeah...I got straights A's, but that really wasn't enough for her. The thought of having babies scared the crap out of me...how would I ever take care of them? I'm pretty sure my parents would practically disown me...and to be honest in my mind, it was just downright shameful...of course on that note...I hate depending on anyone. Nope, the last thing I wanted was a baby and I could truly care less if I was accepted by any of my peers...after all...it wasn't about them, it was about me and my success in life.
I wonder reading that paragraph if perhaps I approached things from the wrong point of view...should I have cared? I certainly do not have many friends...sometimes I feel sad about that, other times I'm glad. People can be very needy when you befriend them and want to hang out all the time. I just don't have the time or patience for every time...I certainly enjoy going out with a few people a couple of times a month, other then that I am quite pleased with doing my own thing. Hmm...one of the things I really would like to do though is treat the friends I do have much better...as soon as I can regain my phone book I will be working to hang out with them as much as I can...I think I have become too self sufficient. In an effort to reinstill the human side of me that should require some closeness and less detachment I need to reach out a bit more. Truly...I can be the most detached person.
Should I be lazy?
This is my first post, but this is not my first journal...I suppose one of things I should ask myself is, why did I open this? I have a livejournal which I will always be a member of and hold a permanent account...and now this...I could be extremely lazy and post something from my other journal...but I'll try to restrain myself from going that route. :-)
Since this is my first post there I should try to think of something interesting...but I won't. I suppose a quick run down will do. I am currently at work, fending off the urge to leave to beat traffic to the gym...I hate being late for aerobics. In terms of topics for future posts, eye surgery, photography shots, wedding, work, and sex stories.
Sometimes I wonder how or why my mind reacts in the way that it does. It is just filled with things that I have to do for work, things I have to do when I get home, and how I would rather be doing other things. Today is one of those days where my life feels as though it has no focus, which is odd because I am one of the most focused individuals I know, I even have a 5 year financial plan that I've mocked up and designed...I know...I'm such a geek.
Do I feel out of focus because there is something I am lacking? Or do I feel out of focus because I want to believe I am?
Since this is my first post there I should try to think of something interesting...but I won't. I suppose a quick run down will do. I am currently at work, fending off the urge to leave to beat traffic to the gym...I hate being late for aerobics. In terms of topics for future posts, eye surgery, photography shots, wedding, work, and sex stories.
Sometimes I wonder how or why my mind reacts in the way that it does. It is just filled with things that I have to do for work, things I have to do when I get home, and how I would rather be doing other things. Today is one of those days where my life feels as though it has no focus, which is odd because I am one of the most focused individuals I know, I even have a 5 year financial plan that I've mocked up and designed...I know...I'm such a geek.
Do I feel out of focus because there is something I am lacking? Or do I feel out of focus because I want to believe I am?
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